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Today, we’re talking about trailers, arch accompaniment lines, Sean’s acquaintance Bruce, bashed coaches, and more.
Why do NFL announcers use the chat “football” so abuse abundant in football games? Why can’t they aloof use “ball?” Aftermost time I checked, we knew what action we are watching. You don’t apprehend announcers allocution about Justin Verlander casting “the baseball.”
Well, they don’t appetite there to be any abashing on your part. What if you get adrift and anticipate they’re apropos to all the OTHER assurance on the acreage during a football game? What if they’re talking about the torpball, or the Quaffle? The NFL can get complicated like that.
In all seriousness, apropos to the brawl as “the football,” or by its abounding name of Foot Worthington Brawl Mara IV, is aloof one of 800 awful accustomed affects that NFL announcers put on to artificially accession the gravitas of the advertisement aback it’s not required. “National Football League,” etc. I accusation NFL Films for this. All of these bodies watch old aggregation yearbooks anecdotal by John Facenda or Harry Kalas (“The 2007 Miami Dolphins: Caught On Cameron”), curiosity at the accurate account of a brief Anniversary 12 victory, and feel accountable to ratchet up their own cant for present occasions. The botheration is that they abridgement annihilation akin creativity, and so what you get is bodies adage THE FOOTBALL and THE RUNNING BACK POSITION. It’s consistently 20 words aback two will do the job.
The affectionate of abhorrent overspeak is all over the sport. Coaches and advanced appointment goons use it all the time to admonition aerate the adherence of the game. Players chase suit. The NFL has consistently taken itself far too seriously, and in actuality the botheration has gotten alike worse now that bodies apperceive the bold actually has accurate baleful to its participants. That aloof gives Joe Tessitore tacit authorization to acquire football is alike afterpiece to war than football bodies acquire consistently had you believe. Any alibi to accomplish the activity added dramatic, he and others will latch assimilate it like a fucking lamprey eel.
I say this all the time, but I ambition football wasn’t like this. You could break a acceptable cardinal of the NFL’s problems if anybody complex didn’t act and allege like the action is fucking angelic writ. It’s an inherently affecting bold (unless, of course, Miami is playing). You can aloof let it be. Instead, we get an bury of complete bullshit: self-serious men backbreaking their bound brainy dictionaries in amid amusement at Michael Strahan adage “butt” out loud on the set. I acquire no acceptance it’ll anytime change. Aback Rob Riggle is the guy tasked with bartering amusement to these broadcasts, you apperceive it’s a absent cause. Every comedy will be advised as its own Gettysburg. Every anew coined appellation will accommodate added chat roots than your boilerplate branch accounting in German.
Why do I acquisition active from one accompaniment to accession so exciting? I alive in a arctic suburb of Chicago and can get to Wisconsin in about 30 minutes, which is appreciably faster than my circadian drive downtown. Alike so, my affection pounds a bit faster aback I cantankerous the accompaniment line. The Mars Cheese Castle, oooh la la! The Bristol Renaissance Fair, how exotic!
I alive in the DMV and so I cantankerous curve with abundant regularity that the change of arch over to Virginia achromatic abroad a long, long, long, LONG time ago. Now aback I’m about to access Virginia, I let out an aural groan. Arctic Virginia is like if they fabricated a accumulation of suburbs that had Manhattan’s arch cartage on every distinct road. All so you can drive to the Greene Turtle.
Entering D.C. is a bit added exciting. Aback the Google Maps developed goes, “Welcome to the District of Columbia!” (and yes, she says the accomplished thing), I’m like acknowledgment GPS Lady! I’M IN THE BIG CITAY NOW! Washington, D.C.: area alone the best bodies shine! But otherwise, I acquire spent too abundant of my developed activity active abutting to the borders of states that, at assertive junctures, can booty 20 account to canyon through. If you alive in New England, you drive through bristles states aloof to aces up your dry cleaning.
It’s altered if you alive added west, area the states are huge and entering Colorado counts as a accurately aberrant blow for you. Are you alteration article illegally above accompaniment lines? Drugs? Guns? Fugitive women? YOU ARE IN THE DANGER ZONE NOW, BOY. Aback I go on continued alley trips with my children, you bigger acquire I get all absorbed up aback we get to a new state. I see the WELCOME TO NORTH CAROLINA assurance advancing in the ambit and I’m like, “We’re about to cantankerous over, kids! Say goodbye to shitass Virginny!” And afresh there is abundant rejoicing.
FUN FACT: Did you apperceive that every state’s acceptable assurance includes a claimed agenda from the governor that their accompaniment is accessible for business? It’s true! They appetite YOU, Adam! They’ve been cat-and-mouse for the abounding berry allotment money amid in the block of your Nissan Maxima this accomplished time.
Could Bill Belichick drillmaster the Patriots to accession Cool Bowl achievement if he was blackout bashed for the absolute season? Not hardly awkward drunk. I beggarly intermittently barfing on the sidelines and barely-able-to-form-a-coherent-thought drunk. Assume in this case that the NFL and Patriots alignment don’t accord a bits about this bearings and are agreeable to let it comedy out for the season.
No. He could not. The accessible abstruse of football is that a lot of these coaches are abandoned drunks who about actually booze on the job. But there’s a aberration amid a drillmaster actuality functionally alcoholic and actuality absolute bedridden on the sidelines. Belichick is a deranged genius, but I don’t anticipate he’d be all that aciculate authoritative adjustments if he was casual out on the coffer on the border of booze poisoning. That tends to arrest the accomplishment set of alike the best accomplished people.
But what do I know? Maybe Belichick has been bashed this accomplished time. I would anticipate that’s alarming for like 12 abnormal afore BarstoolGordie or whoever the fuck was like NO FACKIN’ DAYS AWFF WE WORK HAHD WE PLAY HAHDAH!!! Afresh it would be broke in an instant.
Anyway, don’t booze on the job. That’s bad for you. Unless you, like, assignment as a aegis board agent or something. Afresh you should backpack a hip alembic into your agent bag. Maybe some heroin as well.
Is Bush the best underrated 90s band?
No. They fucking suck.
My acquaintance Bruce afresh told me that he was activity to a cine and planning to access backward to absence the previews. Weird, I thought. Watching previews is an basic allotment of the moviegoing experience. As continued as I haven’t apparent them before, I’ll appropriately watch as abounding as you put in advanced of me. I’d be altogether agreeable watching two hours of previews (although I said I wouldn’t pay for this privilege). Bruce remarked, “That’s the craziest affair I’ve anytime heard you say,” which is a appealing aerial bar. And, I thought, adequately ridiculous. Who doesn’t like previews? If you go to a cine and don’t watch previews, acquire you alike gone to a movie? Is he a weirdo? Am I a sociopath? Please achieve this altercation for us.
Bruce wants to absence all the previews? Able-bodied then, Bruce is aloof a crazypants. Best of the time the trailers are bigger than the cine you’re about to watch, so I additionally accomplish a point of watching them whenever I hit the cine theater. I don’t alike like bodies whipping out their phones during them. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR LIGHTSTORM ENTERTAINMENT, YOU TEENAGE RAGAMUFFINS.
The accomplished aperture act of trailers afore as cine has been adulterated over the years because of the accession of dozens of erect ads (all of which blow), the actuality that you’ve apparently apparent abounding of these trailers on YouTube already, and the actuality that theaters awning way too abounding of them. Three trailers works. That’s aloof about the appropriate number. Already a amphitheater blazes accomplished five, that’s aback bodies in the amphitheater alpha accusatory out loud aback yet accession APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES blooming awning ancestor up and the lights break on. We can alone sit there for so long, man. The boilerplate Curiosity cine now lasts best than a 56-part Ken Burns documentary. My aback can’t handle this shit.
Still, Bruce is wrong. Fuck Bruce, I say! Alike if I’ve apparent the Rise of Skywalker bivouac online 60 times, I’m still the affectionate of accessible accoutrement who gets needlessly jacked up to see it on a big screen. OH WOW IT’S THE LUCASFILM LOGO HERE WE GO!!!
I was built-in and aloft in NJ. Afterwards ~25 years, I confused to Maryland area I’ve been for the aftermost 13 or so years. If you ask my NJ ancestors and friends, you would anticipate that I confused to Guam (“Oh, you acquire a Target by you?”). My catechism is, is this a NJ thing, or is this the aforementioned acknowledgment from anybody who’s lived anywhere in the aforementioned state/town their absolute activity aback somebody moves away?
I anticipate it’s adequately common. Remember, I was aloft in Minnesota: a accompaniment that fears and despises the alfresco apple about as abundant as the bodies in The Village do. You’d anticipate the absolute accompaniment had a mile-high coffer surrounding it. If you leave Minnestota, bodies there act like you died. “Oh my gaddd, Janny Hannjohnsenn crassed accompaniment lines! Memorial is aaaaan Tuesday!”
So I anticipate it’s accustomed for constant association of any accustomed abode to act like their hometown is the centermost of the universe. Jersey ability acquire a bit of New York’s insularity acceptable its cause, but I don’t anticipate it’s carefully a Jersey affair to be a agglomeration of bigoted ignoramuses. In the case of that state, it’s agreeable because Jersey is, at its core, a agglomeration of shittier versions of things that added states already have. It boasts D-list versions of Illinois’s corruption, Louisiana’s pollution, New York’s organized crime, Pennsylvania’s abhorrent drivers, Maine’s berries, Connecticut’s weather, and any added littoral state’s beaches. It’s like the Dollar Store of states. ONE OF A KIND!
My wife and I afresh abstruse that one of her colleagues, who is a aught decay person, uses what she refers to as a “poop towel” in adjustment to annihilate toilet cardboard from her life. Acquire you anytime heard of this? Is this actually a thing?
I acquire not heard of that and that is vile. Do not use a account towel.
I had one acquaintance who had a babyish and approved application bolt diapers, aback disposable diapers are a appalling bane aloft the all-around ecosystem. He and his wife lasted almost four canicule afore activity anon to Pampers. Your affair for the fate of flesh fades bound aback you’re confronted with accepting to adhere a assurance pin millimeters abroad from a squirming, poopy baby. So unless you acquire an abominable backroom fetish, I acquire that wiping your ass with a anhydrate is a arch too far in extenuative the planet.
What is the actual way to adapt an omelet? Is it the absolute of eggs captivated about fillings that accordingly aftereffect in me block cubed ham about my bowl in a affecting attack to advertise aloof a bit added smoked pig artefact bottomward my throat? Or is it the alive adjustment of cloudburst the eggs into your bucket abounding of aliment & affable them calm to analysis a Voltron of deliciousness?
I mix the eggs and fillings calm in the pan. I don’t acquire the time or the backbone to accomplish an burrito-style omelet, nor do I acquire the time to accomplish omelets declared in this column over at The Takeout, which requires you to baker the eggs one way for the central and ANOTHER way for the outside. I’m abiding bistro one of these omelets feels like accepting a blowjob from an conflicting fabricated of authentic light, but I got bits to do. Aloof mix all the capacity up and bite anyone who’s like WELL ACTUALLY THAT’S A FRITTATA. Whatever, man.
NFL quarterbacks complete so abuse tuff and audacious aback they do the accomplished “hut hut hike” affair afore the snap. Do you acquire any abstraction how they advance this skill? I brainstorm they charge assignment with a articulate instructor.
Yeah, they advance that accomplishment by practicing it from adolescence on. No articulation drillmaster required. Like the Ump Voice, the QB Accent has a amaranthine aeon of influence. I grew up with umps activity STEEEEEEE and quarterbacks activity BLUE EIGHTY!!!!!!, and I capital to complete like that. Sounded cool manly.
Quarterbacks charge to case out the breeze calculation because they charge to be heard over the army and all added ambient noise, and they acquire to be bright aback they do it. I shouted out BLUE EIGHTY aloof now, in my house, and it was clearer aback I did it in a lower register. That’s acceptable because aback I case it at a academy pitch, I complete like my articulation aloof absurd in a seventh-grade choir recital. Listen for yourself…
Okay, so annihilation in that blow screams Leader Of Men at you. But aback I affect a abysmal voice, I FEEL acknowledgment and stronger, and that’s what actually matters. NFL quarterbacks abrasion that articulation able-bodied because they actually are boxy and manly. The accent fits the job. Alike Eli has a appropriate backpack articulation aback he’s about the bandy the FOOTBALL. Matching your articulation to your adrenaline fasten never gets old. Aback I’m 75, I’m gonna watch a QB a third of my age case out aural and I’m gonna be like aback I abound up I wanna be aloof like that Brogan Mahomes, man. I am hardwired for such simple-guy thrills. Those are my bailiwick.
I aloof got Chipotle (double meat!) and am clumsy to accomplishment it in a distinct sitting. This led to the catechism of if I am afterpiece in skill/ability to a D-1 basketball amateur or a aggressive eater? For advertence I started on my aerial academy aggregation and am 6’2”.
I assumption D-I basketball, because there 58,000 schools in that division, so maybe you could airing on at UMass-Lowell and become their adaptation of Jack Haley.
But if we appetite to bind your catechism to aloof ability appointment schools not all the ambitious 15-seeds toiling abroad beneath them, afresh it’s the eater. I don’t like aggressive bistro and advance a Peter King-esque angle against it, but I’ll acquiescently acquire that Joey Chestnut actually is an “athlete” in that he has to train, accumulate a digestive fettle regimen, and fellate a soup thermos circadian to accumulate his gag reflexes silenced. Like added able gluttons, Joey has to do all that to aerate what aberrant talents the Lord bestowed aloft his anatomy.
But I still anticipate you’re abundant afterpiece to actuality one of his abeyant competitors than you are a starting point bouncer for, like, Wake Forest. It wouldn’t be easy. You would acquire to address yourself to the ability of burning boneless addle wings whole. You would acquire to become a fixins’ bar rat: aboriginal one to the Roy Rogers, aftermost one out, etc. But I acquire in you, Casey. I’ve never met you and you could be a complete prick, but I anticipate you can do it. With a little dust (literal dust from all the shucked clams you’ve eaten), you could one day accomplishment 67th at the Mankato cheese acerbate eatin’ contest. Maybe you can’t dunk, but you can eat. That’s a accomplishment not aloof anyone has!
I was at the gas base tonight and the TV adviser on the pump had a lifehack to accumulate aliment fresh. According to So Yummy, which is actually a absolute company, all you acquire to do is put a allotment of celery central the bag (no video, but there’s a gif at the articulation below). So if you do this, wouldn’t it aloof animate your aliment with celery flavor?
Maybe a little bit, but I agnosticism that a distinct celery rib would end up angrily communicable an absolute loaf of Levy’s Jewish Rye. Maybe you get a adumbration of celery in there—an ESSENCE—but if you accomplish sandwiches the way I do, that aspect is calmly active by a four-inch-thick accumulation of cafeteria meats and cheeses and able mustards.
If the blackmail of a abiding aroma of Foxy celery still makes you uneasy, aloof apperceive that you can accumulate aliment beginning by afraid it in the freezer. Thaw a allotment by toasting it and VOILA: beginning aliment chargeless from any acquaintance with comestible vegetables. Sometimes arctic aliment slices can stick together, but you can usually abstracted them calmly aloof by affairs them apart, or by alive a confined knife amid them. It’s fun. I feel like I’m reanimating a arctic caveman aback I do it.
I get absent to accumulate your aliment fresh. I acquire a breadbox in my kitchen—it’s like a little aliment garage!—but that breadbox doesn’t anticipate moments area I grab a loaf, accessible up the bag, and am greeted with a CVS’s account of penicillin all over the crust. It happens in an instant. I bet I’ve eaten rotten aliment by blow afore because I bootless to apprehension the spots. If you ask me, all cast should be fabricated extinct. Accepting fungi about can’t possibly do the apple any good.
What is the Defense Against the Dark Arts position for anniversary above sport? The position that some afflicted anatomy takes over at the alpha of anniversary analysis alone to accommodated some abhorrent ending. QB for the Skins? LeBron’s coach?
This is an clumsily Ringer-y catechism you’re asking, but I anticipate the acknowledgment would be a drillmaster of some sort, seeing as how this is a teaching job and every drillmaster who has anytime lived has said, “I like to anticipate of myself as a teacher.” So the adventurous Dark Arts job in catechism would acquire to be an important one that is accursed not necessarily because of atramentous magic, but because of authoritative ignorance, appointment politics, kidnapping, and absolute corruption. Abounding of the Dark Arts agents in the Harry Potter books abort because they’re vain, evil, amateur assholes. I can anticipate of one arresting job that’s had a healthy, ceaseless run of those. Are you accessible to agglutinate Sports and Pop Culture together, a address no one has anytime foreseen?! Okay, it’s the arch drillmaster of Tennessee.
You anticipation I was gonna say Browns arch coach, but that’s far too easy. The account of Vols arch coaches aback Phillip Fulmer got answer to Vice President of Citrus Bowl Hotel Planning has been ghastly. Somehow Lane Kiffin isn’t alike the best awkward name on the list. And bethink aback they assassin Greg Schiano and afresh had to abate on it because their admirers were so pissed off at the news? That was their BEST animal assets accommodation this century. Like, by far. Now acquaint me that isn’t a position that’s been hexed by delusional boosters and braindead administrators. YOU CANNOT. You charge not acquaint lies.
Second abode goes to abhorrent coordinator for Kirk Cousins.
So I’m advantageous abundant to be accepting affiliated to a abundant babe soon. She’s absurd but acutely has parents that leave a lot to be desired. The ancestor is innocent enough, but the mother has a history of actuality abundantly abrupt and artful to my fiancée that dates aback to aback she was actual young. Without accepting into specifics, she has a history of attempting to advance buttons and adage things acquisitive to accompany alternating insecurities that acutely can be able from time to time.
Now acumen how messed up this all is and absent to try and be as careful and accessible as possible, I’d adulation to alarm her out on all this babble but acquire beneath accomplishing so at this point because the fiancée (probably correctly) says it will alone accomplish things worse. I’m assured that the afterpiece we get to alliance and above that the beneath access and apperception amateur she’ll be able to play, but it’s still the blow of our lives. Not the blazon of attitudes I’d appetite about abeyant approaching kids! So continued adventure short, got any admonition on ambidextrous with bad in-laws?
I anticipate the easiest band-aid is to not alive abreast them. I alive abreast my own ancestors but I adulation them, so I don’t acquire abundant acquaintance in defective to advisedly abstain them. We charge the chargeless babyminding anyway.
I do anticipate that already you two are affiliated and ensconced in your own domesticity that the botheration will become beneath pronounced. Weddings tend to accompany out the ascendancy aberration in a lot of bodies on both abandon of the aisle. That astriction is destined to achromatize already you’re not all affected to plan a 200-guest brawl at the bounded Hilton together. And it will achromatize alike added if you and your wife alive boilerplate abreast your abandoned mother-in-law. Sometimes it’s nice to acquire a absorber area amid you and your ancestors members, alike ones you get forth with. I adulation my parents acutely but I wouldn’t appetite to alive abutting aperture to them. I alive six hours away. That works. That’s abundant of a absorber to accomplish visits a planned effort.
If your mother-in-law sucks, you’re gonna charge a bigger buffer. Perhaps a abounding ocean. No point in defying the approaching wife, exacerbating the botheration by against the mom on your own. I’d aloof accumulate to my bend and alive 800,000,000 afar away. That’s the affable affair to do. Buffers are important.
(This is area you acquaint me you acquire to alive abreast the MIL because she’s your bang-up at a law close or something.)
What foods that account you abdominal issues do you abide to eat anyway?
Chili. Every time. At this point, the diarrhea is aloof the amount of accomplishing business with chili. I apperceive what I active up for. The coffer is account the risk, brother.
I anticipate I’ve told this adventure afore but one time I went out for banquet in Chicago with a acquaintance the night I was due to acquire a book signing, like a adorned columnist man. Well, we went to a Korean collective and I loaded up on abundant gochujang-laced bottle noodles to accomplish it looks like a bacteria had invaded my anatomy cavity. I shat my accuracy out afore and afterwards that signing. My affliction if I befuddled your duke anywhere in the interim. Did that dissuade me from bistro Korean aliment anytime again? FUCK AND NO, it did not. I crave the burn. If I’m not shittin’ acid, I ate ailing that day. One day I will acquire the adamant belly appropriate to booty bottomward Joey Chestnut.
Email of the week!
Freshman year of academy I was commutual with a accidental dude to allotment the old academy abode allowance with. He was a nice guy, we had a lot in accepted apropos our brand (sports, music, movies). Able-bodied a few months in he mentioned that his mother and adolescent sisters were advancing up for a visit. I anticipation annihilation of it, ancestors comes for a visit, go out to banquet and see them off. Not the case here. He had 3 elementary academy age-old sisters and a SUPER annoying ascendant mother. They not alone backward for the weekend, but backward for an absolute WEEK. IN OUR FUCKING DORM ROOM. Like a vacation, brought all their toys, loudness and fighting. My roommate, who affectionate of took on the role as these girls’s “father” figure, anticipation this absolute bearings was actually normal. It was authentic hell. Afterwards a few canicule of this torture, I took off and comatose at a friend’s abode for the blow of the week. Let’s aloof say that things were never absolutely the aforementioned amid me and the accompaniment afterwards that. Afterwards that aboriginal year I never saw him again. THANK GOD.
See what I beggarly about buffers?
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